It’s Not “What” you say It’s “How” you say it!

The delivery of the message is more than half the battle, especially in leadership. Of course what you say matters, but how you say it, how you relate to people, is what differentiates great leaders from the pack.   That means you can have innovative ideas, indeed you must, but if you can’t deliver them in a way that connects with people and relates to them in a meaningful way, you won’t get results.

Over the years working with many CEO’s I’ve seen those that started out brash, aggressive and only worried about their success and driving results. That only gets you so far.  The smart (and really successful ones) learned the importance and motivational impact of genuinely connecting with people in a meaningful way.

That transition doesn’t happen all at once, it’s a process of continuous improvement and the learning never really stops. So, wherever you are in your journey to the top, these 5 tips will help to improve your delivery so people will want to be a part of whatever it is you’re doing.

Look people straight in the eye and really “see” them. If you take one thing away from this post, this is the one. It’s huge.  When you look someone straight in the eye, you’re initiating a potentially deep connection that can’t be achieved any other way. It also shows respect, i.e. there’s nothing more dismissive and demeaning than not “recognizing” someone by looking directly at them.

Increase your self-awareness. How you say things is more about how you feel than what you think. If people have trouble relating to you or respecting you, chances are you’re not as self-aware as you think you are. The only way to change that is to find out what employees, peers, and your boss like and don’t like about how you communicate. Being open to feedback is the only place to start.

Be direct and genuine. The big problem with political correctness is that it’s hard enough to be straightforward and direct with people as it is. The whole Political Correctness thing just adds layers of complexity that make it so much harder to be straightforward in a work environment. Actually, the more direct and genuine you are with people, the greater their sense of trust and the more respect they’ll have for you.

Executive presence isn’t about power and domination. This is perhaps the biggest misconception about executive presence. It doesn’t come from command and control, it comes from connecting and relating, from sharing your passion in a way that’s meaningful to others. It breaks down barriers.

Learn to be a storyteller. People relate to stories and storytellers. People don’t remember facts and figures or even logical arguments as well as they remember stories. They also find it easier to connect with storytellers. If you really want to relate to people in a deep way, tell them stories they can relate to.

Transitioning from peer to boss – part II

The transition from peer to manager cannot occur overnight, even though the day after your promotion expectations change drastically. It takes a lot of time and effort, so it’s helpful to think of the transition as a journey. The changes require time to take root, usually years.  You may be lucky enough to have had great mentors along the way, but I find in many cases the opposite is true. That means it’s really up to you.  You make progress on your journey through trial and error.

Fortunately, most managers begin to make progress, but many fail to complete their journeys. They stop short of acquiring the necessary skills, knowledge, values, outlook, self-knowledge, judgment, and especially emotional competence.

Most new managers start out receptive to change and learning because of their initial discomfort in their new position. But as they begin to learn the ropes and no longer fear imminent failure, too often they grow complacent.

Every organization has its ways of doing things — rules of thumb, policies, standard practices, unspoken rules and guidelines — such as “promote by seniority,” “smooth over conflict,” and a host of others. Once learned, they are ways of getting along, and new managers use them to get by. Instead of confronting a performance problem, they fill out the obligatory annual performance appraisal and simply negotiate the wording with the person involved.

They do enough to meet the status quo because that’s all that’s required of them. Indeed, they stop thinking of what’s possible and focus on what’s expected.

They hire people who are just good enough. They progress to the point that management no longer feels new and strange. When they no longer fear imminent failure, they grow comfortable. They “manage,” in the worst sense of the word. That’s why years of experience are not necessarily an indication of effective management.

This surely accounts for the wide range of mastery among managers, even those with considerable experience. Based on what I have seen, most organizations have a few great managers, some good managers, a horde of mediocre managers, some poor managers, and some awful managers. Like most of us, you’ve probably had, at one time or another, a boss whose ineffectiveness made you wonder how could someone like this become or remain a manager?

With all the time commitment required, and the fact that most organizations fail to provide enough initial help and resources for inexperienced managers, it’s not surprising that so many stop short of completing their journey. Full mastery comes slowly, as with any serious skill, and requires steady progress in a world that keeps throwing up ever more complex challenges and opportunities.

I know highly competent managers that believe they are still learning even after years of experience. They have taken the initiative and time to challenge themselves to become better every day. They accept and look for criticism, so they can explore solutions.  In the end these type managers become future mentors.

Inspiring Communicators

In two decades (that sounds old) of working with CEOs, business owners and other senior leaders, I cannot recall one who I would have deemed to be stupid (ok maybe 1). But seriously most were intelligent, talented people. Yet, when faced with the challenge of change, or a crisis, many succeeded and some failed. Those who failed usually lost their jobs or businesses.

When I listen to the ones that succeeded consistently, I listened to inspiring communicators.

To be inspiring, however, was not the same as being a great speaker.   To be inspiring, you had to learn how to be a better listener, you had to fundamentally understand what was in the hearts and minds of the people in your audience, and you had to speak with passion and authenticity.

You could stumble and stutter over your words, but if people saw you speaking to the things you truly believed, and felt that you truly understood them and respected their views, you were far more likely to make the vital connection that would attract them to your vision.

HR leaders have recognized that leadership has changed. OUT has gone the command and control style of leadership, and IN has come a new, more empathetic, emotionally intelligent style of leadership where communication becomes one of the top two skills that you need to succeed. (The first is raw intellect and the ability to develop the right strategy.) The ability to understand, motivate and inspire others is the characteristic that is now second most important when recruiting senior leaders or anyone headed in that direction.

Great leadership ensures that the right conversations are taking place right across their businesses, for they understand it is those conversations that drive change and ensure progress.  Leaders have to learn how to engage people in and through conversations. They have to learn how to tell stories better, and they have to learn how to be themselves, only better if they want to lead in our changing world.

The task of a leader is to inspire others to achieve great results. It sounds simple, but leaders today are operating in an incredibly demanding environment. The difference between competent communication and inspiring communication can be the difference between poor performance and outstanding results.

In speaking with leaders I admire the most, two words that I consistently hear are relationships and trust. You cannot lead if you cannot establish relationships of trust, both inside and outside your company.

Effective communicators:

• Address the concerns of the audience BEFORE delivering their own messages,
• Learn to listen better and master the most difficult communication skill of all,
• Develop strong points of view on key issues,
• Use more stories to capture hearts and imprint messages on memories,
• Are aware of the power of unintended signals and messages,
• Prepare properly when appearing on public platforms, and
• Keep reviewing and developing your communication skills.

Accept Failures to Succeed!

Some people never fail. They’re the ones with no aspirations, no will to excel, no guts. Everyone likely to be reading this, however, has failed. Repeatedly, I might add.

What we all have in common is the temptation to simply put it behind us and forget it ever happened. To spit failure out and get that bitter taste out of our mouths before it does any real damage to our self-confidence. As soon as possible, if not sooner.

But the strong and successful among us resist that urge because we know better. Painful as it is, we carry our failures around with us every day of our lives. Not as a badge of honor, although it’s tempting to feel that way. We do it for two reasons. First, failure is how we learn. Failure teaches us how to do things differently. How to do things better.

Failing to admit and learn from failure will only lead to more dramatic failure. The converse is also true: admitting and learning from failure will ultimately lead to success. Unfortunately, leaders seem to be allergic to the whole idea of admitting failure.

But there’s actually an even more important lesson that failure teaches us. A more important reason to never forget that we’ve failed and will fail again. It reminds us that we’re human. On the surface, that sounds almost too simple to be important. But that’s a characteristic of most important lessons.

Being aware of your failures gives you a unique sense of empathy, humility, even humor, that others don’t possess. It means approaching your job, each and every day, with a level of genuine openness to the ideas and positions of others, not in spite of the fact that they differ from yours, but because they do, because you know you might be wrong and they might be right.

It’s tempting to think of this as a lesson for the young, but it’s not. It’s a lesson for all ages.  Take Steve Jobs, for example. It’s easy to forget that he wasn’t always a leadership icon. While Apple did invent a truly breakthrough computer, the company’s first decade was turbulent and Jobs’ management style was so toxic that he was essentially forced out of the company. That was painful for Jobs. And his next venture, NeXT, lost a boatload of investment capital.  So, when Apple’s acquisition of NeXT returned Jobs to the company he cofounded, he was a very different man. He was a far more mature and balanced individual than the one who was drummed out of the company 11 years before. Clearly, success and failure both contributed to that transformation.

This is just one example, but every successful leader will point to failure as a key ingredient in their growth, maturity, and success. People often confuse having courage with being fearless. Actually, nobody is fearless. Courage, on the other hand, means facing your fear and doing the right thing anyway. Sometimes you win; sometimes you lose. And once you’ve been through that a few times, it makes you a better and more successful person. But only as long as you never forget.

 

Leaders need competent teams

 If you think of a leader as “the boss”, or “the commander“, standing alone at the head of an organization and running things, the training and development of others in the organization probably doesn’t occur to you as an important function of the leader. But that’s probably an outdated conception of leadership.

If you consider a leader as one who has to rely on the skills and abilities of his or her subordinates, and is responsible for maintaining organizational coherence and effectiveness over time, then it’s easier to see that the development of the team members or people below becomes much more important. Leaders don’t do all the work, or even much of the work in any organization, so their success relies heavily on the skills and abilities of others. An excellent leader in charge of incompetent followers simply can’t succeed.

Given that there are still many people who confuse leadership with commanding, it’s not surprising that many leaders don not pay adequate attention to building the skills and abilities of the people they are leading. In fact, in a study by The Blanchard Companies survey, 59% of respondents cited failure to train and develop staff as a major and common leadership mistake.

The prescriptions are clear. Leaders need to allocate some time to developing their immediate subordinates, and also to create opportunities for learning for others through mentoring, coaching, training, seminar attendance and highlighting best practices in the organization and outside of it. Obviously leaders are not trainers and don’t have a surplus of time, but they can both encourage and arrange for opportunities to learn.

Peer leadership – Stepping back to move forward

Leadership is an act that requires stepping forward as a means of asserting authority. When it comes to leading peers, you can demonstrate authority by showing that you are willing to share your authority with others.

Peer leadership is something that is often overlooked in leadership circles because, most often, we focus on what and how leaders lead their followers. This is appropriate, but much of what’s accomplished within an organization is because of people in the middle who get things done. Sometimes it requires leading up — what you do for your boss — but often, it requires what you do with and for your colleagues — leading peers.

Throughout history, we have seen seemingly ordinary people step up and take charge. Look up the “Cincinnatus model.” Cincinnatus was a Roman farmer who left his land behind to serve as Rome’s leader when the city was threatened. When peace was restored, Cincinnatus resigned his post and returned to his farm. His abandoning of his work to serve Rome, and especially his immediate resignation of his absolute authority at the end of the crisis, has often been cited as an example of outstanding leadership, service to the greater good.  His actions served as inspiration for George Washington, who followed his example. Leadership from the middle does not be an act of heroism, but it should be done with forethought and planning.

The first thing to understand about leading peers is that it is a means of exerting control over someone else. If you have brothers and sisters, or if your children do, then you know the frequent complaint: “You’re not the boss of me.” With peers, you do not boss — you lead — and most often you do it by setting the right example. Let me offer some suggestions:

• Find the pain. Sometimes the need to act is urgent; it will hit you with the force of a two-by-four across the face. Crises provoke the need for immediate action. But you do not need to wait for a burning platform to step forward. Sometimes the need to act comes from what is not being done — processes that are malfunctioning, employees being misdirected, or customers not being served. That may call for action from the middle.
• Listen more than you speak. Before you go too far, listen to others. Get their assessment of the situation. Find out if they want or need help. None of us like a meddler. If people do want help, do not pull a “command and control” act. Listen to what their needs are, and identify the true problem before you act. When trouble brews, it may only be a symptom of a larger issue. Therefore you need to size up the situation and assess what you can do.
• Stand back. If you have the power to act, do it. But work with people — not in spite of them. Think like a film director. You are the one behind the camera. The actors are doing the work. You are simply providing some direction, but they are doing the work. Be willing to lend a hand but do not try to take over. Remember that you are a colleague, not a boss.

Peer leadership is fraught with peril. Too often, those who try to do it get burned. Sometimes this is because they have overreached, or because they do not have the authority to do what they want to do. Often there are rivalries among peers, such as two or more people going for the same job. Navigating that terrain can be treacherous.

There is no easy way around such issues, but one method is to lead with your project. Let what you are seeking to accomplish — your project, your initiative, your process — be the star. Demonstrate its benefits for the organization. This way, you show that you are more interested in helping the company succeed than in shining your own star.

Leading peers, of course, is a good way to get noticed. When done correctly, it positions you as someone who knows how to make things happen. It’s even better when your peers support you. Then, you demonstrate that you have the support — and most often — the trust of others.

Those who lead from the middle are a rare breed, but one that is essential to the success of any enterprise.

Helping your staff help themselves

If you’re a good leader and employees trust you and your ability, you also have the problem that too often employees and managers depend on you for all the answers. 

However, simply providing answers and solutions for your staff impairs their ability to grow and develop their leadership and problems solving skills.  A better idea may be to help them find the answers themselves by posing a few probing questions.

Examples:

• “Can you explain more about this situation?”
• “Have you experienced a similar situation in the past?”
• “How have we handled this in the past?”
• “Based on your experience, what do you suggest we do here?”

I believe in developing employees to their fullest potential, but one rule I have always lived by is “don’t just bring me the problem, bring me a solution”.  The long-term payoff:  Employees learn how to handle similar situations in the future – without your help.

Confidence…Can it be learned?

Does it seem like some people are born force-full and self-confident, while others struggle with voicing their opinion or speaking up with ideas and promoting ourselves. Does this mean that, for the most part, confidence is something you’re born with, and those less gifted in the area simply have to deal with it as best we can? Absolutely Not!

According to an article published in Psychology Today “most socially confident people deliberately learn specific skills”.

So what exercises do the experts recommend for the confidence-challenged who are eager to learn to keep unruffled in front of others? First, forget about simply repressing your anxiety, which simply makes you more self-conscious. Then, consider honing the following skills:

• Read your body right: “You can create a crisis of confidence by overreacting to your own normal heightened alertness. But if you can work yourself up simply by misinterpreting your body’s signals, you can chill yourself out by reading them correctly. The irony of misreading your nervous system’s cues is that far from harming you, your natural excitement can enhance your performance. Increased activation is not a sign that you’re failing, but that you want to do well and your body is ready to help.”
• Focus on helping others: “Mastering social skills requires tuning in to your self-esteem. But instead of being self-conscious and fixating on your anxiety, work on creating positive interactions that make the people around you feel engaged and happy. Focusing less on yourself and more on others will yield big payoffs in expanded social opportunities.” Also, “feeling allegiance to a larger cause can make your discomfort more tolerable”
• Get cozy with your fears: If you’re brave enough, “try ‘implosion’ — tackling a challenge so intimidating that once you’ve made it through, your original goal no longer fazes you.” Comedy stars Conan O’Brien and Will Ferrell apparently first started performing because it was what they feared most. By tackling their fears head on they overcame them.

The article includes much more information on the science of shyness, including statistics on its prevalence (40 percent of young people report they’re shy) and the genetic basis of social anxiety, as well as a ton of personal anecdotes about introverts’ battles to become more confident. If you’re interested, it’s worth checking out.

Acquiring Wisdom

Acquiring Wisdom from the Lessons of Life: The following post was written by Steve Weitzenkorn, Ph.D.  Steve is a learning innovator, organizational advisor, experienced facilitator, and lead author of Find-Fulfill-Flourish: Discover Your Purpose with LifePath GPS. 

 After reading Steve’s message I am reminded of how our experiences (bad and good) can grow us in our lives and in our careers.  And although we can sometimes try to guide others by sharing our experiences, it is really only through their own experiences that they really grow.  I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. 

Three weeks before she died and knew she did not have long to live, Lily Winner, my grandmother, wrote a very touching letter to my father who was attending college in a different city. This was in October, 1940. In passing along her parting thoughts to him, she wrote, “The most difficult thing for parents to learn is that they cannot pass along their wisdom, if they have acquired any, to their children. Experience has little reality unless it is your own.” I have learned the truth of these words though my own experiences as a parent.

So how do we acquire wisdom? Some writers and philosophers believe that study, reflection, and education are the keys. Others suggest having a great mentor or coach. Certainly these can help.

However, I know some well-educated and very smart people who also have very poor judgment and do not seem very wise to me. On the other hand, some of the wisest people I’ve met have ordinary jobs and relatively little education. What they have is a wealth of experience. They have learned from some of the hard lessons of life. Their wisdom evolved from their personal struggles, trial and error, setbacks and incremental successes. By taking action, solving problems, making mistakes, experimenting, and experiencing the consequences of their actions they learned many life lessons. They learned what works and what doesn’t, and how to avoid self-induced misfortune. Through the accumulation of these experiences, they grew, improved, and changed, developing wisdom in the process. I believe that is how all of us do, no matter how much formal education we may have. The key is to learn from experience and to apply those lessons to similar challenges.

If you have children I imagine you feel very blessed. You probably also feel their pain as they have their ups and downs, successes and setbacks, and make mistakes you know are easily avoidable. And if your experience is anything like mine, you know that much of the advice you offer seems to goes in one ear and out the other. Our children must learn though the realty of their own life experiences – both good and bad.

The good news is that most of them do learn. And most interestingly and thankfully, far more of what parents advise is actually absorbed than seems apparent at the time it’s offered. The internalization occurs when our children or students connect it with their own experiences and the real-life consequences of their actions — often well after guidance has been provided and they have tried things their own way. That’s when they recognize it as wisdom, even if they do not use that term.

How much they actually learn and internalize from the combination of personal experience and wise advice can be seen in how they handle new challenges and situations. That is the true test of whether they are developing their own wisdom. It’s is a life-long process for all of us.

Take a few moments to ponder the life lessons you have learned and how they made you wiser. How can that wisdom be exercised in valuable ways?

What Dysfunctional Leaders Can Teach Us

When I began my career I was lucky enough to have some great mentors.  However, as I began to progress I began to encounter executives who exasperated me. In most cases they were nice people and I would have to be fair and say that “most” meant well.  However, in my view they were completely incompetent as leaders and managers.  As my experience grew and my exposure to senior executives and other leadership styles increased, I realized this scenario was all too common.  In speaking to many of my clients, colleagues, friends and family I often hear war stories of their inept manager.

Unfortunately, there are many leaders with obvious dysfunctions and yet they manage to rise to and remain in prominent, senior roles. Working with them can be frustrating and disheartening, especially to those who clearly demonstrate excellence and are looking for mentorship to grow their careers.  I have heard the hopelessness in people as they criticize, complain and nag the ear off anyone who would listen.  It was a way to make it through the next day.  But after the initial whining these inept leaders forced me into the process of self-analysis; what kind of leader did I want to be, or more importantly not want to be.

The wisdom of this process was that in hindsight, I learned far more about great leadership from a few of the dysfunctional leaders than I ever learned from the excellent ones. The distress they caused me was a strong learning stimulant for the following lessons:

Self-Motivation – Nothing like a dysfunctional de-motivator to force one to drive oneself to continue to succeed in spite of the roadblocks.

Keep True to Yourself – Don’t change your core values and beliefs to grow your career.  Integrity and self-respect are much more important and will triumph in the end.

Patience – This is probably the biggest lesson I learned and is an essential leadership quality.  Patience under poor management does not mean I am waiting for them to act, it means I am persevering despite their actions.

Positive Attitude – Prevailing wisdom and much research show that having a positive attitude improves the likelihood you will achieve your goal, speeds your progress and, perhaps most importantly, makes you more resilient – All of which help you overcome obstacles and remain persistent in pursuit of your goal.

Let it Go – dealing with the stress of working under this dysfunction taught me to be less judgmental and more inclined to give support. If you take the good and throw the rest away, so to speak, it makes it easier for you to move forward.  It is actually better to trust that everyone is doing their best within their capability.  This mindset can often defuse a lot of your frustration and makes you more compassionate and forgiving.

So if you find yourself one day working for a dysfunctional leader, take heart. Set your intention to being grateful for the wisdom and leadership tools that you will learn through the process. You’ll be glad you did.